Going away party/early birthday

For months M has been asking for a Ninja Turtle party. We have been saying for a while now that if he's with us in May that it will be a birthday party. However, we have also said that if he is to move on we would make it a going away party. Well today was the day of his going away party. We made it a small party with just family members and friends that have spent a fair amount of time with him and have bonded with him and him them. The party was a great success from the look on his face as we sang happy birthday to him and he blew out the candles on his cake, to the laughter and fun of playing "feed the pizza to Michelangelo" (like pin the tail on the donkey), to the pinata. 

I think the pinata was the most "Alexander thing" of the day. We took a walk to a nearby park with the plan of hanging it from the monkey bars. However, when we got to the park there were a lot of kids playing on the monkey bars so we had to come up with a "plan B". We ended up hanging it from a tree. However, since we had not intended on hanging it from something so high we had to improvise. In the end we ended had 5 adults offer their belts that we then tied end to end to use as a rope for the pinata. The kids had a blast!

Throughout the party I was randomly overwhelmed with various emotions. Thankful that God has blessed all of our lives with little M. Thankful for all the friends and family that we have to support us. Also thankful to know that M will be able to move on and bless even more lives. We did not get into the fostering game to only foster. Our goal has always been to adopt. Although "just fostering" isn't what we wanted, I truly feel honored to know that God was able to use us to bless this child and his biological family. However, no matter how blessed and thankful I feel I still am struggling with anger and sadness. I cannot tell you how many times I just want to yell at the top of my lungs "THIS SUCKS!" I love this child SOOO much I would do anything for him and the only thing I can do is slowly pack his things and prepare for next Saturday when I will most likely have to give him the last hug I will be able to give him for a long time, maybe forever. I know we will get through this. I know we will heal. I know we will do it again.

Side note/funny story:

When I was roughly 8 or 9 years old my aunt an uncle gave me a Ninja Turtles action figure as a Christmas gift. Little did they know I HATED Ninja Turtles (don't ask me why). I still remember opening the gift, seeing what it was, and immediately throwing it across the room as I yelled "I HATE NINJA TURTLES!" I cannot remember what punishment I got for that behavior but I do remember that is when I learned to be grateful for any gift given to me. With that said, my mom and I were talking yesterday for a few minutes and she reminded me of this story then she pointed out the irony of the fact that the this is the first kid's party I have planned and it is a Ninja Turtles party. She's right. Isn't it ironic. Don't you think?... Life is funny some times.

Roller coaster keeps rolling

Over the last couple of weekends we have gotten to experience something that a part of me hoped we would never have to experience. Reunification and visits. I know some may say that a part of me wishing that such a thing would never happen is plain wrong because that is the purpose of foster care and I accepted this to be fact. However, it doesn't make it any easier. My emotions are pulled in so many different directions that I truly don't know how to feel. I have happiness and sadness all at the same time when I see little M's face light up when he sees grandad. I have happiness to see that same excitement and joy mirrored in grandad's face. However, at the same time I have sadness and extreme anxiety. Sadness because I know with each visit M is one step closer to leaving our home. I have anxiety because I don't know what will happen and I can't protect him from what may come. Don't get me wrong I know grandad is a good man. I know he will do a fine job raising M but I still worry. I don't care if he's not genetically mine but for the last 6 months I have grown to love him as if he was. I have grown to the point of being able to say "yes I have a son." Or "my son does that." All the while knowing that he really isn't my son at the moment. Right now he is a gift from God of a blessed toddler that I am allowed to love, to hold, to laugh with, to cry with, and to kiss the ouchies and make it all better. As I sit here and try to figure out exactly all the different thoughts and feelings I am having I cannot help but feel that it pails in comparison to what grandad has been feeling. I am anxious about 1 overnight visit and he's been living with that same anxiety for the last 9 months. I am frustrated because no one is talking to me and telling me what is going on or what to expect. However, grandad has had that same frustration but without the ability to tune all of that out and focus on raising a child to the best of his ability. I know this is not easy for anyone involved and as happy as I am to see the joy and excitement when they get to be together my heart brakes. My heart breaks when M lets go of my hand and runs to a man I have never met before. My heart breaks when he never glances back and then my heart breaks even more that the only tears he sheds are when he says bye to grandad. No tears were shed for him having to spend time without us. Well that's no true, mine were shed. Plenty of mine. 

Ok so what's the positive in all of this? There's a lot to be thankful for because prayers have been answered. From the moment M came into our home I have been praying for guidance. Not only guidance for myself but guidance for all involved. I have prayed for peace so everyone can stop and hear that small voice telling them what they should do. Today without a doubt that prayer has been answered. I know without a doubt M will be loved and cared for with grandad. I take comfort in that fact just as I take comfort in the words of thankfulness from grandad and his assurance that we can continue to be a part of his life. I know now that M was not meant to be our forever child and as much as it breaks my heart I know it is God's will and everything will be good. I also know that other prayers have been answered. I know his grandad has been praying for him and I know that in his prayers he had to be praying for his grandson to come back to him. I am thankful for that prayer being answered. God is an amazing God. He can heal the broken hearted and he can reunite the lost. For the last 9 months this man has been living a lost life not knowing what is going on with his grandson and soon they will be a family again. 

I recently heard someone say "compassion/empathy is a learn behavior" I feel that this saying holds many truth beyond those simple words. For every heart ache you go through God has a plan. At several points in our lives we can look back and see the little stepping stones in life that lead us to where we are, and we can understand what we gained from it all, and due to all of that we learn how to relate to other people. Although our paths in life are different we all have some things we can relate to. The ability to relate to another individual to try and picture what life is like through their eyes is not easy. Far too often we get stuck focusing on us but if we can take a step back and see the bigger picture amazing things happen. Empathy and compassion are the biggest skills needed to be able to truly place yourself in someone else's shoes. As you grow in your ability to embrace these traits amazing things happen. I am thankful for this roller coaster. I am thankful for this heart ache. I know because of all of this God is shaping and molding me to be more than I am today. Is it easy? No. Does it simply suck at times? Yes! But I know through this all God is allowing my broken heart to help, to touch, and to heal other broken hearts. 

Being a foster parent is not easy as you can gather by my ramblings. However, if you can get past yourself and allow yourself to experience the heart aches the rewards are beyond measure. I don't know if I can do this forever. I don't know if I'm meant to. I pray that one day God will lead us to our forever child but even if he doesn't I know that God will bless me with other children like M. Children that will always be in my heart even if they are not in my home or life. 

If you are interested in fostering or adopting and want to talk please let me know. I don't have all the answers but I will be honest with you answer any questions you may have. 

From Theory To Practice

When we first started our foster to adopt journey almost 2 years ago we were only looking to adopt. We initially had no intention of fostering. Well, through the classes we had to take to be licensed as a perspective home to adopt a child from foster care we learned more and more of the NEED. We learned more and more how the system is broken. We learned more and more about how there are some people, who have no business having kids in there home, are foster parents even though they might be doing more harm than the bio home ever did. Through it all we felt the call. The call to step forward and be a part of a solution. A part of the change. If there is to be any hope for children in care it has to start with the homes the children are in. If you have more people motivated by the right things that truly care for the kids then there's a greater chance of these foster kids ending up in the safe nurturing home. A home that will help them grow and heal. A home that gives the bio parents a chance to learn from whatever happened. A chance for the bio parents to grow. All the while allowing the child to be safe.

Inevitably as we told family and friends that we had decided to be foster parents we heard the same comment over and over again. This comment did not come from a place of malice or anywhere negative. The comment truly came from the individuals knee jerk response to the thought of bringing a kid into their home knowing, or at least suspecting, that the kid would not stay. At this point you might be asking yourself “What is the comment?”, or you might have figured it out already. The comment is 2 fold. 1 “it takes a special person to be a foster parent.” And 2 “I couldn't do it. I would get too attached.” If you have made this comment to me, or were nearby when someone did, I typically had the same replies each time. 1 “you never know what God has given you the ability to do until you try.” And 2 “the sad thing is that the kids need you to get attached. They need your love. They need that sense of security. They need every part of you if they are to grow from where they came from. If they are to heal from the physical and emotional scars that they may hold.” Of course when I make this comment I get responses that are similar to “how are you going to handle it when/if they leave?” To which I reply in the most honest way I can “I will be heart broken. I will sit on the couch and cry. But I know that is what they need and I choose to leave it all in God's hands. If a child that comes into our home is meant to be our 'forever kid' God will make that happen. If not then I take comfort in knowing that I am one small stepping stone on the path of their life”

So why the title of “from theory to practice” for this post? Well that is simple. I've had the theory of loving a kid and letting them go and now I am experiencing it. 6 months ago we had a precious 3 year old boy (M) come into our home. He initially came as a respite placement which means that we were pretty much just babysitting to allow his foster family a break. Well very shortly after he stepped into our home (I believe it was the day he came) the foster family said “that's it we are done. He cannot come back to our home” the reasons behind this are not clear and for the most part, after living this roller coaster I can understand the desire to have your life back and not live every moment questioning what is going on in CPS land. I don't blame them much at all. So, after a short while, long story short, we accepted M as our first “long term placement” knowing that his goal was to be returned to family. Our exact words to his caseworker were “he has a home with us. We plan on riding out his case to the very end. No matter what that end may hold.” As M's case progressed it began to look more and more likely that we would end up being able to adopt. In fact we received a phone call on New Year's Eve from his caseworker and she informed us that, although a home study had been completed to see if biological grandfather could get him, she anticipated it not working and, in that case, that we would be adopting by April. This completely caught us off guard since we believed, rightfully so, that his case would drag on for years, since that is not uncommon. Well a little over a week after that phone conversation we received a text message from the worker that simply stated that the home study had recommended moving M to be with grandad and that she anticipated the judge agreeing. She then said, assuming the judge agreed, that they would be moving him in roughly 2 weeks.

So yeah. Here we are. We have gone from the theory of welcoming a kid into our home. Loving that child as our own. Teaching him right from wrong. Dealing with some significant health issues. Managing some intense behaviors at times. Giving him a world full of experiences. Introducing him to our family and friends. Having our family grow to love him and so on and so on. All of that and a “thank you. You 2 have done wonders for him and we (CPS) can never thank you enough.” Needless to say all of this caught us off guard and to try and put all the different emotions into words is beyond difficult. I found myself talking with a friend the other day she inevitably said “I couldn't do it. You're a special person. I would get too attached” in response I said these words:

I know and they need that. Can you imagine if they didn't have anyone to attach to. No one to care. I know that he needs/needed it. It is just SOO drastically different to go from the theory of bringing a child into the home, loving them, teaching them right from wrong, potty training them, spending days on dealing with medical issues with them ect ect ect and then letting them go. In theory I know I am doing the right but hard thing but in practice it makes me feel used and trampled all over. Like I have wasted 6months of my life. But at the same time I know that is not true and I am thankful. I am thankful for every second I have had with him. Thankful for the times that he made me smile. Thankful for letting me hear his laugh when he called me “daddy” and then giggled because he knew I was “Mr. Matt”. Thankful for those time that he made me mad and pushed me to my limit. Thankful for helping me grow as I helped him grow. Thankful for teaching me what it truly means to love with all my heart without really expecting or receiving anything in return. I am happy. I am sad. I am mad. I feel lost. But at the same time I know that I would do every little thing over again. That I wouldn't trade it for the world. I also know that some day, hopefully soon, after a short break, I will do it again. I know there are other kids that need that love. That need that security. That need me to cry out from a broken heart because of them. I know that. I also know that I can do it. No mater how hard it is… Will any future kid take the place of M? No. And I wouldn't want them too. I will forever hold him in my heart whether I meet him again or not.

There you have it. That big jumbled mess of emotions, thoughts, and desires. If you can make sense of it all please explain it to me. Just know, as confusing as this all may sound to you. I will do it again and I encourage you to as well. Will it be a walk in the park? Will the road be nice and smooth with no bumps, twists, or turns? Will you have your heart broken? Will you want to scream and yell because you feel no one is listening, like you have no voice in your life or the life of the little one you have grown to love? Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes. However, what you will get back from it all is something that words cannot describe. Something you have to experience to understand. Call me a glutton for punishment but I am ready to get back in line for this roller coaster. I don't know the name of the next ride. I don't know how long the wait will be. I don't know how many loops it will have or when it will stop. However, I know that when that ride comes to a full and complete stop I will be laughing and crying and wanting to do it again.

Finally, enough about me. I have one prayer that I hope you all join me in. My prayer is that God will hold M close and help him learn and grow. Help him become the amazing man that he can be. That He will let the seed of love that we placed in him flourish as it is watered by the love he receives from his biological family. I pray that, even if he forgets who we are, that he carries that love with him from now until eternity. I pray that some day he too will have the chance to share that love and to know what love really is. In the words of a new favorite song of mine by Toby Mac, “this is what love is. Poured out. Used up. Stretching out to the end of my limits. This is harder than I thought it would be. This is what love is.” We love you M. God bless you and every life you touch just as you have touched ours.

Happy Thanksgiving (4 months with M)

It's hard to believe that it has been 4 months, and 1 week, since M first came into our home. Like any major change in life it feels like it has been forever but at the same time it feels like it has been no time at all. Lindsay and I keep joking that we are playing a "live action role playing game" (LARP) of parenting and we keep leveling up (yes I know we're nerds). Some of the levels we have reached I never pictured us reaching so soon. I would go into more detail but for privacy sake I can't. 

So, here we are, it is Thanksgiving and M got to take part in his first (and hopefully not his last) Thanksgiving with my family. We started the day by waking up at 4:45am, leaving the house at 5:45, and getting to our parade spot at 6:05am. It has been a tradition with my family to attend the parade since 1990. By 8:30am we had a total of 27 friends and family, majority of which (including M) wearing matching family shirts and turkey hats, all sitting curbside talking, laughing, running, playing, and dancing to the music of the DJ that setup down the street. Even though M had to wake up so early he was all smiles and super excited about the parade. I truly loved being able to share this tradition with him. All throughout the parade, and the rest of the day, seeing him playing with my family, (should I say his family? Even if it is temporary.) I was hit with wave after wave of feelings of gratitude, happiness, and sadness all at the same time. Thankful that God has allowed us to be a part of his life, happy at how well he has come to be a part of my large extended family, and sad because deep down I know there is a chance he will move on and not be with us anymore. But worst of all, I am sad to know that, because of his age, if he is to move on he won't really remember us. 

All of these mixed emotions got me thinking of a posting I recently saw on an online foster parent support group that we are a part of. The song is "Love Feels Like" by the Christian artist Toby Mac. The main words of the song that really hit home with me are roughly this:

This is harder than I thought it’d be 

Takin’ every part of me 

So much harder than I thought it’d be 

But empty’s never felt so full 

This is what love Feels like 

Poured out, used up, still givin’, 

stretching me out to the end of my limits 

This is what real love Feels like 

Music video can be found at: http://youtu.be/reWLIs51e2Y

There truly are no words to describe all the different emotions you experience when fostering, but at the heart of it all there is love. I don't know what life will bring. I don't know if M will stay with us for only 2 more months (because that is all the court has guaranteed), if he will stay with us forever, or anywhere in between. However long he is with us I pray that I continue feel, as the song puts it, poured out, used up, still givin’ until I am empty but yet filled with what only true love can give. 

If you are a believer I ask that you join me in the prayer that I hold for M, and every child in foster care, I pray that God's will is done. I pray that He touches every heart of the individuals involved with the case (including my own) and that He guides their steps so that every decision made is made based on His divine plan and not the plan/will of man.  

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

Finally, from my family to yours, I pray that God will give you peace, comfort, and guidance in whatever roller coaster life throws before you. Happy Thanksgiving!!

First True Long Term placement

Oh wow! I knew I had not updated anything in a while but I didn’t realize that it had been 6 months. Life has been such a whirlwind of activity and emotions that I pretty much could not bring myself to sit down and put it into words… So how about an update now? We were officially licensed in mid-March. The day after our license went through, we had 2 children placed with us (a 2 year old and a 6 week old). The children were with us for about a week until we got a call out of the blue saying, “Thank you for your help, but we will be moving the kids as of tomorrow.” Turns out they had found family. I was sad to see them go, but I am glad they went on to be with family. Since those kids left, I felt like we had moments when we could hear crickets and then other moments where our phone/email was going off like crazy with proposed cases. It seemed like no matter how many cases we said we would take, they all fell through for one reason or another. That was until…

A little over 3 weeks ago we were contacted about doing a respite stay (basically baby sitting) for a 3-year-old little guy (M) while his foster family went out of town. The day after we agreed to take him on for a few days for respite, we learned that the foster home had decided to close their home, meaning all the foster kids had to move, and since we were already lined up to do respite, it was decided that M would go ahead and come our way for the respite stay and we could use the respite time to figure out if we were the right home for him to be in as a long term placement. Part of us wanted to jump at the possibility of having a child placed in our home. However, considering the fact that his case was really new, and the current goal was reunification (returning home), and our desire to adopt we were not sure what would be best. The next day (the day before picking M up for respite), we were contacted by our agency and we were informed that we had been selected on the case of 2 legally free brothers. This meant that there was a 1 in 3 chance that we could be chosen as their forever home. At this news we felt that it was a sign from God that we were meant to wait and not accept M as a long-term placement. The next morning I went and picked up M for his respite stay and almost immediately everything just felt natural and a part of me wanted to say right then and there that, no matter the outcome, I wanted to keep him as a placement. However, that evening we were contacted and informed that we had been selected for yet another case. This time the case was for a single legally free child. So yet again we felt it was God saying “Just wait. I have great things in store for you.” The bad thing about being selected for these 2 cases, on top of having M as a respite case, is that, for various reasons, we had to choose between M or one of these cases and we couldn’t really accept him as a placement on top of one of the cases, assuming we were chosen as “the family” for either one of the cases (this is not always the case but wouldn’t you know that we would be the ones to fall into the weird “out of the norm” situation lol). However, to make the situation even more difficult, a respite stay can only last for 14 days but the meetings to decide which family was “the family” for these cases were 19 days after he came our way. In the end we ended up petitioning and getting permission for him to stay another week with us so that we could know the outcome of the legally free cases before making a call on M’s. To say that this situation was heart wrenching would pretty much be an understatement. There were several times that I would be sitting on the couch watching him playing and I would start crying as I prayed “Lord, thank you for sending M into our lives. Thank you for all that you have given us and done for us. However, I come to you right now asking and begging for guidance. Lord, I have fallen in love with this little guy and I do not want to have to make him move on to another home. However, I truly do not know what to do. Lord, PLEASE make your plan clear.” After days of praying and dealing with all the “what ifs” I feel God finally did make His plan clear and He did it in a way that was crystal clear. In the end, we were not selected for either one of the legally free cases. Some would think this would be heart breaking to have such a sure thing of adoption slip between our fingers. However, I truly did nothing but celebrate as we informed the agency that we would be more than happy to take M as a long-term placement.

So that brings us to where we are now. Lindsay and I now officially have M placed with us. His foster placement papers were signed today. His case still has a lot of unknowns, and he still has the goal of reunification, so there is still a chance that he will move on. However, I take comfort that the possibility of him moving on is no longer solely in our hands. At this point if he moves on it will be because God chose to lead the individuals involved in his case to make that call. At this point we have no intention of “putting in notice” and making him move yet again. This little guy is with us for the long haul, wherever that haul leads to. I ask that you all join me in continuing to pray that God’s will be done in M’s life as well as every other child in care. I will not lie and say that I do not hope and pray that M stays with us forever. However, I am not going to try and make anything happen that is not His will. Therefore, I will continue to make the choice to place this all in His hands fully so that His will is done. After all that has happened in my life I know that the things he has planned is far greater than anything I could plan myself.

Ready to be Licensed!

We got some exciting news today. Our home study report has been approved! However, there is still some required paperwork. 1: We have to provide updated auto insurance information since the policy just renewed. 2: We have to provide proof that the dogs have updated rabies vaccinations since Wookie’s, our Shih Tzu, expires at the end of the month and Roswell’s, our Jack Russell, expires in June. 3: We need to provide pictures of the house, inside and out. We started taking the required pictures about a month or 2 ago, and then we got distracted by the fruit basket turn over of rooms in the house, as well as the craziness of replacing the AC/heat and having our home study visit.

Anyway, after getting the email I quickly sent in our auto insurance info and Lindsay made an appointment to have the dogs’ shots updated today. We just got done scanning and emailing all that in. Now all that is left are pictures and, I forgot to mention it earlier, one more walkthrough of our house by the agency. We are getting so close to being licensed it is insane. Which means we are even closer to have a child/children in our home. I cannot wait.

Home Study Visit

It’s been a BUSY last few weeks!!! As I said on the previous post, our case was assigned and on 12/18/14 the individual completing our home study contacted us. We were given a few choices as to day/time for the face-to-face visit and chose to have it today (1/19/15). That gave is only 1 month and 1 day to replace the AC/heat, have the fire marshal inspection completed, and to clean, baby proof, and generally prepare our home for the visit. In the end, we got it all done and the day arrived for the visit. She came in and very quickly got down to business. First item of business was personal interviews. Basically, she sat us down individually, with the other in a different room, and asked for clarification on just a few things from the written questionnaire that we completed. After that, it was time to interview us together. That portion consisted of a lot of basic questions primarily on our expectations and what we are/are not willing to do for a child, particularly while in the foster phase. For example, if we were to have a child placed with us that is of a different religious background, how would we handle it? We explained that we would be more than willing, as long as it is a Christian background, to take the child to a church of their denomination as long as we were still able to take them to our church either before or after their services. Once we got done with the interview portion it was time for the walk through. We literally went room to room showing her the contents of every closet, drawer, and cabinet both inside and outside of the home. Once it was done she gave us a little question and answer time and then we were done. As she said bye she told us, “Y’all are going to be great! I have a really good feeling about you two. You’re very realistic and not living in a fairy tale like so many people I see.”

So what’s next…

From my understanding, our contact person is going to go back to the office and work on typing up the home study report. Basically, this is a massive report that addresses every aspect of our lives, individually and as a couple, our home, and all other pertinent information, such as our support system. Once the report is completed, it is sent to a “reader” to be reviewed. Once it passes the reader’s critique, the report and all other necessary information, will be sent to the state to apply for a foster/adopt license. If our timeline ends up about the same as a friend’s who recently went through the process with the same agency, we should be licensed within 4 weeks, which would be roughly the second week of February. Once licensed, the waiting game begins. There really is no telling how long it will take for a child to be placed in our home. However, what I can say is that the friend that I spoke of earlier had children placed in her home 5 weeks after being licensed. Keeping with that trend it would be around the 3^rd week of March. If that is how it works out I feel we would be blessed beyond words, since the 3^rd week of March is spring break for the school district that I work in, and it would allow me the entire week to be at home and help the kid(s) get settled in. However, as in all things in this process, there are many unknown. With that said, we are choosing daily put all things in God’s hand and trust that above all things His Will be done and that we will meet the child He has planned for us.

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Tune in next time for a post on our (still in the works) Foster/Adopt shower that our family is throwing us.