Going away party/early birthday

For months M has been asking for a Ninja Turtle party. We have been saying for a while now that if he's with us in May that it will be a birthday party. However, we have also said that if he is to move on we would make it a going away party. Well today was the day of his going away party. We made it a small party with just family members and friends that have spent a fair amount of time with him and have bonded with him and him them. The party was a great success from the look on his face as we sang happy birthday to him and he blew out the candles on his cake, to the laughter and fun of playing "feed the pizza to Michelangelo" (like pin the tail on the donkey), to the pinata. 

I think the pinata was the most "Alexander thing" of the day. We took a walk to a nearby park with the plan of hanging it from the monkey bars. However, when we got to the park there were a lot of kids playing on the monkey bars so we had to come up with a "plan B". We ended up hanging it from a tree. However, since we had not intended on hanging it from something so high we had to improvise. In the end we ended had 5 adults offer their belts that we then tied end to end to use as a rope for the pinata. The kids had a blast!

Throughout the party I was randomly overwhelmed with various emotions. Thankful that God has blessed all of our lives with little M. Thankful for all the friends and family that we have to support us. Also thankful to know that M will be able to move on and bless even more lives. We did not get into the fostering game to only foster. Our goal has always been to adopt. Although "just fostering" isn't what we wanted, I truly feel honored to know that God was able to use us to bless this child and his biological family. However, no matter how blessed and thankful I feel I still am struggling with anger and sadness. I cannot tell you how many times I just want to yell at the top of my lungs "THIS SUCKS!" I love this child SOOO much I would do anything for him and the only thing I can do is slowly pack his things and prepare for next Saturday when I will most likely have to give him the last hug I will be able to give him for a long time, maybe forever. I know we will get through this. I know we will heal. I know we will do it again.

Side note/funny story:

When I was roughly 8 or 9 years old my aunt an uncle gave me a Ninja Turtles action figure as a Christmas gift. Little did they know I HATED Ninja Turtles (don't ask me why). I still remember opening the gift, seeing what it was, and immediately throwing it across the room as I yelled "I HATE NINJA TURTLES!" I cannot remember what punishment I got for that behavior but I do remember that is when I learned to be grateful for any gift given to me. With that said, my mom and I were talking yesterday for a few minutes and she reminded me of this story then she pointed out the irony of the fact that the this is the first kid's party I have planned and it is a Ninja Turtles party. She's right. Isn't it ironic. Don't you think?... Life is funny some times.

Roller coaster keeps rolling

Over the last couple of weekends we have gotten to experience something that a part of me hoped we would never have to experience. Reunification and visits. I know some may say that a part of me wishing that such a thing would never happen is plain wrong because that is the purpose of foster care and I accepted this to be fact. However, it doesn't make it any easier. My emotions are pulled in so many different directions that I truly don't know how to feel. I have happiness and sadness all at the same time when I see little M's face light up when he sees grandad. I have happiness to see that same excitement and joy mirrored in grandad's face. However, at the same time I have sadness and extreme anxiety. Sadness because I know with each visit M is one step closer to leaving our home. I have anxiety because I don't know what will happen and I can't protect him from what may come. Don't get me wrong I know grandad is a good man. I know he will do a fine job raising M but I still worry. I don't care if he's not genetically mine but for the last 6 months I have grown to love him as if he was. I have grown to the point of being able to say "yes I have a son." Or "my son does that." All the while knowing that he really isn't my son at the moment. Right now he is a gift from God of a blessed toddler that I am allowed to love, to hold, to laugh with, to cry with, and to kiss the ouchies and make it all better. As I sit here and try to figure out exactly all the different thoughts and feelings I am having I cannot help but feel that it pails in comparison to what grandad has been feeling. I am anxious about 1 overnight visit and he's been living with that same anxiety for the last 9 months. I am frustrated because no one is talking to me and telling me what is going on or what to expect. However, grandad has had that same frustration but without the ability to tune all of that out and focus on raising a child to the best of his ability. I know this is not easy for anyone involved and as happy as I am to see the joy and excitement when they get to be together my heart brakes. My heart breaks when M lets go of my hand and runs to a man I have never met before. My heart breaks when he never glances back and then my heart breaks even more that the only tears he sheds are when he says bye to grandad. No tears were shed for him having to spend time without us. Well that's no true, mine were shed. Plenty of mine. 

Ok so what's the positive in all of this? There's a lot to be thankful for because prayers have been answered. From the moment M came into our home I have been praying for guidance. Not only guidance for myself but guidance for all involved. I have prayed for peace so everyone can stop and hear that small voice telling them what they should do. Today without a doubt that prayer has been answered. I know without a doubt M will be loved and cared for with grandad. I take comfort in that fact just as I take comfort in the words of thankfulness from grandad and his assurance that we can continue to be a part of his life. I know now that M was not meant to be our forever child and as much as it breaks my heart I know it is God's will and everything will be good. I also know that other prayers have been answered. I know his grandad has been praying for him and I know that in his prayers he had to be praying for his grandson to come back to him. I am thankful for that prayer being answered. God is an amazing God. He can heal the broken hearted and he can reunite the lost. For the last 9 months this man has been living a lost life not knowing what is going on with his grandson and soon they will be a family again. 

I recently heard someone say "compassion/empathy is a learn behavior" I feel that this saying holds many truth beyond those simple words. For every heart ache you go through God has a plan. At several points in our lives we can look back and see the little stepping stones in life that lead us to where we are, and we can understand what we gained from it all, and due to all of that we learn how to relate to other people. Although our paths in life are different we all have some things we can relate to. The ability to relate to another individual to try and picture what life is like through their eyes is not easy. Far too often we get stuck focusing on us but if we can take a step back and see the bigger picture amazing things happen. Empathy and compassion are the biggest skills needed to be able to truly place yourself in someone else's shoes. As you grow in your ability to embrace these traits amazing things happen. I am thankful for this roller coaster. I am thankful for this heart ache. I know because of all of this God is shaping and molding me to be more than I am today. Is it easy? No. Does it simply suck at times? Yes! But I know through this all God is allowing my broken heart to help, to touch, and to heal other broken hearts. 

Being a foster parent is not easy as you can gather by my ramblings. However, if you can get past yourself and allow yourself to experience the heart aches the rewards are beyond measure. I don't know if I can do this forever. I don't know if I'm meant to. I pray that one day God will lead us to our forever child but even if he doesn't I know that God will bless me with other children like M. Children that will always be in my heart even if they are not in my home or life. 

If you are interested in fostering or adopting and want to talk please let me know. I don't have all the answers but I will be honest with you answer any questions you may have.