Loss and Grief

I've been sitting here today, enjoying my next to the last day before I am officially back on duty for another school year, and started thinking. In one of the more recent training classes we went through, as part if the adoption process, we touched on the topic of loss and grief. The reason for this is that any child that goes through adoption has to deal with this in ways that most people never think of. To help drive this point home we did a little activity where we listed off 5 people's names, people that we are close to/family members, then we listed off 5 material items that we use on a regular bases or hold great pride in, as well as 5 values that we hold deer, and 5 hobbies you enjoy. We finish this list by listing 2 fears that we have... Still with me?... We then took our lists and we were instructed to mark of 2 items from each list, with the exception of the fears. Once we marked out our 2 we were told to pass the paper to some random person in the group that we don't know, and they were instructed to mark off 2 more items from each list, yet again leaving the fears untouched. Once we got our lists back we were told to imagine that we were pulled from our home, without warning, and only the 1 item left on each list was what we were able to keep. But don't worry you can keep your fears, and all the other fears that come from walking away from everything you have known and loved. This thought really hit home with me. I cannot imagine loosing all the people I love and hold dear, all the things that I have worked so hard for and everything else. It is heart breaking to think that this is something these children have to deal with. However, the more heart breaking thing is that most people look at these kids and think "oh come on you're young, and in a better place, you'll get over it". When in actuality it does not matter how crappy their home life was. What kind of abuse or neglect they might have suffered. Or anything for that matter. Because, to them, that was their life. They didn't know anything else, and, to some extent, that was their comfort place. 

So back to me sitting here enjoying the last few days of my summer vacation. I started to try and think about the loss I have had to deal with. Have I come to terms with it all. Am I emotionally ready to bring a broken child into our home. After very little thought I immediately thought of, in my opinion, the biggest loss I have had and that would be the somewhat recent loss of my grandparents. My dad's parents always lived within 20-30 minutes from us growing up and were the most fanominaly supportive individuals you would ever meet. I remember time and time again the way that my grandmother would brag and brag and brag about all the little things we did, as if we were the only people to have ever done such a thing. I remember how they were always there for every single event we took part in from our birthday parties, to soccer games, choir performances, and everything in between. I truly feel that God gave us all the most amazing gift ever by allowing us to be a part of their lives. When my grandmother passed away, nearly 2 years ago, and we started to clean the house, we found a puzzle that she had been working on putting together. In fact, she nearly completed it before she suddenly passed away. However, when we found the puzzle it looked like this. 

If you look close you will see that there were 2 pieces missing. We tore the house apart looking for those pieces but all we could find was 1 of those pieces. Each time I think of that 1 missing piece I think of it as a representation of my grandmother, and how there will always be a small piece of us all missing, a small void to be filled due to the loss of such an amazing woman. As time went on we tried to get back to a normal routine, but at this point my grandfather was still living and little did we know just how severe his dementia/Alzheimer's had become just prior to the loss of my grandmother. To the point that, at times, we had to hunt and hunt to find a way to get him to connect with those around him, as opposed to living in the delusional world that dementia suffers live in, day in and day out. However, we did have those moments where he was physically and mentally with us, just as we found that 2nd missing puzzle piece, and then, almost 6 months to the day of my grandmother's passing, my grandfather joined her. I remember the last time I saw him, if I remember right it was the day before his passing, and I remember telling him that we all love him, and will miss him, but we also know that his place is with the woman he loved, and was married to for nearly 60 years. Shortly after his passing we were able to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary and know that they were united and celebrating together as they should have been. 

As I think of my grandparents, and my loss, I am reminded again about the facts of these children. If you were to look at the puzzle of thier life they will have huge sections missing and there is a very large chance that the picture itself would not be a peaceful snowy scene but rether a very twisted disturbing picture. Although I am still suffering some loss and grief over their passing, as is normal, I know that God has given me a wonderful gift. Because, I know, without a doubt, that all the qualities that made my grandparents the awesome couple that they were have been passed on and that my child will be able to know them and their character just by watching the way that my family works together and loves each other. It's kinda crazy to think that there is a strong chance that our future child is already out there, and although I don't know what he/she is going through, that will lead to them to be removed from their home, and start the journey that will unite us, I know that the legecy of my grandparents love will continue to provide me with the most amazing support that any person/couple/parent could ask for. 

I love and miss you Meme and Grandad. However, I am honored to know that you are watching over us, and that you would be jumping for joy with every step that we take that will lead us to our future child. 

Now off to get my fingerprints done. One more step down, and one more jump for joy taking place in heaven. 

Small update:

Shortly after posting this entry my mother read it and informed me that today, of all days, would have been my grandparent's 61st wedding anniversary. It is amazing how God works sometimes... Happy anniversary Meme and Grandad!

  

Some thoughts and statistics

Its official...my summer vacation has come to an end. Today and tomorrow are meetings and then next Monday, I am officially back on duty. It's kinda surreal to think that there is a chance that we could have a child as early as next summer and, if it falls right, an amazing blessing to know that I will have the time to get to know our child over that break. Anyway, today at the meeting the associate superintendent over my department was talking to us and at the end of her time with us she asked if anyone had any announcements they wanted to make/celebrations to share and I could not help myself. Part of me feels ridiculous at this point telling everyone I see that Lindsay and I are "working towards adopting" because it is such a far off thing but yet I truly am so excited to think of us having a kid that I cannot contain it. Several people talked to me about it throughout the day and I received several questions including:

1) Do you and your wife have kids now?-- For those reading this that don't know us all that well the answer is no.

2) Are you adopting international or domestic?-- We are working towards domestic. In particular, within the state. From what we have read and heard this is the "easiest" route to go. Once you start adding in other state's politics, not to mention other countries, there are a lot more hoops you have to jump through.

3) Are you adopting a baby?-- As much as we would love to have a baby, we have talked and prayed about it a lot and have decided that we are desiring a child birth to 5 years old. There are multiple reasons why we have chosen this age range. One reason being that our nieces, who we see on a regular basis, are 11/2 and 4. Our thought is that we want our child to be able to grow up close to their cousins just as I grew up close to mine. Another reason we are open to an age range this large goes back to our desire for a child with a mild-moderate physical disability. We feel that these are the children that are "in the system" longer, and therefore would be older and even more difficult to find a home for.

4) Are you looking for just 1 child?-- Well the answer to this is "it depends." Lindsay and I have talked and prayed at length on this particular question because from what we hear over and over is that there is a very large need for families that will take sibling groups. Obviously, since we have never raised a child of our own we don't feel equipped to bring in 7 kids all at once; however, we have come to the consensus that we feel we could handle 2 at one time.

I know there had to be many more questions asked and I could probably spend all day listing/answering them but I will leave it here for now.

Statistics
I was talking to Lindsay on her drive home today and she mentioned a few statistics about adoption that she read. After a short trip on google I was able to find some of the things she mentioned at this link: http://nathancreitz.net/10-surprising-adoption-statistics/. I think 2 most interesting statistics were:

I feel that the second statistic in particular is the saddest. To think, if only 1 couple from every 3 churches adopted a child, there would be no child in the US in need of a home. Part of me cannot help be question the accuracy of this statistic. However, true or not it gives food for thought.

Application turned in and training continues

Application/paper bump 1

Yesterday 8/9/14 was a big day! It was the day that we officially turned in our application. We still have a lot more paperwork that we will have to turn in, and things we will have to do with the house, but so far this is what we turned in:
1) The completed application (roughly 20 pages if I remember right)
2) History of ALL of the places we have lived for the last 10 years
3) Driver's licenses and social security cards for each of us
4) Health insurance information for each of us
5) Homeowner's insurance
6) Car insurance
7) Proof of income (W2s and pay stubs)
8) Marriage license
9) College diplomas for each of us
10) Student loan information
11) Shot records for the dogs

I think that covers all we turned in at this time. In the end it turned out to be a pretty sizable stack of papers, and this is just the beginning. Considering all the papers/documents we are going to have to turn in, Lindsay and I have decided to start doing what we calling "paper bumps". Since most people post belly pics throughout their pregnancy documenting how far along they are, and how big their belly/child is at that point, we figured we would do the same but have it be pictures of the stacks of documents we are having to turn in. So here we go. I call this the 1 week paper bump...

Training class

Not only did we turn in the application but we also had a day long training class (9:30-4:00). The first half of the morning was devoted to an overview of prenatal/neurological development. I feel that the teacher did an amazing job of presenting the information at a level that anyone could understand. The biggest thing I took from this section of the class was just how much malnutrition/abuse/neglect can affect a child on the neurological level. Obviously, throughout this section of the training, as well as throughout the entire day, the teacher shared several stories about kids that he has come in contact with and how their biological home life affected them. I really appreciate the manner in which he presented these stories and the information. I feel that he found a perfect balance between giving you the information you need to help prepare you for some of the possibly horrible things the children have gone through, but yet he presented it in a way that is did not seem to be a scare tactic. I have heard of other agencies going into gruesome detail and presenting the information in a manner in just that way, a scare tactic, to scare off the people that cannot handle it. This agency/teacher did it in a manner of "you might meet a child that had X occur or might do Y. You need to start thinking now about how you will deal with that so that you can help the child as much as possible."

Other topics addressed during the training session included:
1) Medication administration/storage/documentation
2)  Shaken baby syndrome
3) Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)
4) Water safety
5) Trauma
6) Loss/grief

I want to say there was more but that is all I can think of at this time. If you would like to know my/our thoughts on any of the other topics, please comment and we will try and do another post addressing it.

Sharing in a friend's good news

A dear friend of ours, the one who told us about the agency that we are now working with (Pathways), just finialized the placement for the kids that she is fostering to adopt. She is roughly 40 weeks ahead of us in this process. We realize that every case is different but it is very encouraging to hear stories of success. Who knows maybe we could end up having a child placed with us in 40 weeks.

Journey Thus Far

Since we first started dating, Lindsay and I have been talking about adopting at some point. Over the last 6 years we have thought, talked, and prayed about it a lot and we feel now is the time to take the first steps in this process. We feel there are plenty of children out there that are in desperate need of a loving, nurturing homes, and we feel that we can provide that for at least one at this time. Obviously, the process to adopt is a long one, so let me backtrack to get y'all caught up to where we are now in the process. Here is what we have done so far:

1. Google/research

For the last 2-3 months (May-ish - July-ish), Lindsay and I have been hitting the web trying to learn all we could about the process and what we could expect. We eventually learned about a general adoption information meeting put on by Harris County and felt that attending that meeting would be a good first step.

2) Informed family of our intention

Before attending the meeting, we felt it was important to let our families know that we were "looking into" adoption. The response we got from everyone was overwhelmingly supportive. This is very encouraging, especially since we feel that God is leading us to adopt a child with a disability. We feel that children with disabilities are the most likely to be overlooked by individuals adopting, since they don't match the "perfect image" that they always envisioned for their child. However, considering that Lindsay and I met working at a camp for kids with disabilities and we have gone on to have careers related to that, we feel that God has blessed us with experience and a heart for kids of all types. Obviously, when talking about children with disabilities, there is a very large spectrum in terms of the children in the system. I feel that Lindsay and I are going into this with very realistic expectations as we seek out a child with a disability, that could scare some people away, but yet still shows potential of living a long and productive live with the correct love and guidance from their parents. However, just like with biological children, we understand that there are no guarantees in life and any child might end up developing issues that might make them dependant on someone else's care for the rest of their life (i.e. my 26 year old schizophrenic sister) and if that was to happen to our child, adopted or biological, we will do all that is in our power for the child. 

3) Attended County adoption info meeting & and kept searching for info

We attended the Harris county adoption information meeting on July 9th and learned a lot about the general process as well as some interesting facts. One interesting fact we learned was that, since we are looking to adopt a child with a disability, we are going to have to go through an agency...not that we wanted to go through the county, but it is interesting that it is not an option. The reason for this is that the county will only license families for "basic care" adoptions. From my understanding, this means that if the kid requires anything more than 3 meals and a roof over their head, you must go through an agency in order to be trained and licensed to provide the additional care needed for the kid. With this in mind, we really started looking into various agencies and reaching out to friends that have adopted. Following the county info meeting, we started a little trend of inviting couples/individuals over for dinner to learn about the process from someone who has gone through it. It was through these dinners that we learned about the adoption agency "Pathways Youth and Family Services". After hearing about them, and comparing notes on various other agencies we interviewed, we truly feel that Pathways is the agency for us.

4) Started gathering paperwork

We signed up to attend the required orientation meeting that Pathways was holding on August 5th and quickly got a email from them containing their adoption/foster application packet. No other agency that we checked into had sent us their packet. We did receive the packet from Depelchin; however, that was only after attending an orientation meeting with them. As part of the application, we have to gather quite a bit of paperwork about our background and finances. It truly reminds me of gathering the required documents in order to buy our house.

Where we are now:

We have attended the orientation meeting, as well as the first training session, and the more we interact with the Pathways staff, the more we feel God has lead us exactly where He wants us to be. The biggest difference in the staff is that they truly give an impression of being genuine and true people, who are in this to help the kids, and not just putting on a show of some sort like we got from some other agencies. We are still gathering some of the paperwork needed in order to turn in the completed application but it looks like we should be good to turn it in this Saturday when we attend a day-long training session.

Random thoughts:

Those that know me will understand, and most likely appreciate the fact, that my mind is always in a million places. Lindsay and I plan on blogging throughout the process not only for our sake but also for the sake of anyone else that might be looking into adoption. We feel that learning from a person's experience first-hand is the best way to prepare yourself for the future. With that said, I will undoubtedly have some thoughts that don't quite fit in anywhere but I still feel like sharing them. Hence the "random thoughts". Today's random thought... Since Lindsay and I made the decision to officially look into adoption not a day goes by that I don't hear about adoption in one way or another and, believe it or not, a lot of those situations are without me seeking out the topic. Some may say that it is kinda the same feeling you get after you buy a new car. You know, how all of the sudden you start seeing the same make/model/color all over the place, and it is not that there are more of them out there, it is just that you are more aware of them? However, I choose to believe that in this situation this is God's way of reassuring us that we are heading in the right direction. 

A Journey of A Thousand Miles...

So, as most of you reading this know, my husband Matt and I have decided to adopt! This is something we have been considering for a while, but we felt like now was the right time to step up and pursue it. At this point, we have found the agency that we will be going with and attended our first required class last night, as well as getting the last few things for our application to get the process started. I liken the paperwork to a cross between home mortgage paperwork and a resume for a job application. Lots of financial and personal info as well as work, living, and overall history. I'm hoping that we have all of the information that they could possibly need...or at least have the missing info be something trivial and easy to obtain.

We have already attended an orientation session with this company, as well as another agency, and talked to numerous people who are either actively in the adoption process or have already adopted. Lots of info gathered, lots of discussions...this wasn't something we just jumped into. I'm really liking Pathways, the agency that we decided to go with. We know that throughout this process, we are going to have to essentially live in a fish bowl, so we really wanted to make sure that we were comfortable with the people who were going to be on the outside looking in.

I just have to say that I am LOVING the overwhelming support that we have gotten from family and friends. Even though we've been talking about it for a while, it is still hard to predict people's reactions to announcements like this. So thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for all of the love and support.

We will get into more specifics of the process, paperwork, decision-making, and such in later posts, as there is a TON of information to be shared and discussed. Feel free to comment with any questions concerns, quips, puns, etc. :-)

Getting Really Excited!!!!

-Lindsay