Going away party/early birthday

For months M has been asking for a Ninja Turtle party. We have been saying for a while now that if he's with us in May that it will be a birthday party. However, we have also said that if he is to move on we would make it a going away party. Well today was the day of his going away party. We made it a small party with just family members and friends that have spent a fair amount of time with him and have bonded with him and him them. The party was a great success from the look on his face as we sang happy birthday to him and he blew out the candles on his cake, to the laughter and fun of playing "feed the pizza to Michelangelo" (like pin the tail on the donkey), to the pinata. 

I think the pinata was the most "Alexander thing" of the day. We took a walk to a nearby park with the plan of hanging it from the monkey bars. However, when we got to the park there were a lot of kids playing on the monkey bars so we had to come up with a "plan B". We ended up hanging it from a tree. However, since we had not intended on hanging it from something so high we had to improvise. In the end we ended had 5 adults offer their belts that we then tied end to end to use as a rope for the pinata. The kids had a blast!

Throughout the party I was randomly overwhelmed with various emotions. Thankful that God has blessed all of our lives with little M. Thankful for all the friends and family that we have to support us. Also thankful to know that M will be able to move on and bless even more lives. We did not get into the fostering game to only foster. Our goal has always been to adopt. Although "just fostering" isn't what we wanted, I truly feel honored to know that God was able to use us to bless this child and his biological family. However, no matter how blessed and thankful I feel I still am struggling with anger and sadness. I cannot tell you how many times I just want to yell at the top of my lungs "THIS SUCKS!" I love this child SOOO much I would do anything for him and the only thing I can do is slowly pack his things and prepare for next Saturday when I will most likely have to give him the last hug I will be able to give him for a long time, maybe forever. I know we will get through this. I know we will heal. I know we will do it again.

Side note/funny story:

When I was roughly 8 or 9 years old my aunt an uncle gave me a Ninja Turtles action figure as a Christmas gift. Little did they know I HATED Ninja Turtles (don't ask me why). I still remember opening the gift, seeing what it was, and immediately throwing it across the room as I yelled "I HATE NINJA TURTLES!" I cannot remember what punishment I got for that behavior but I do remember that is when I learned to be grateful for any gift given to me. With that said, my mom and I were talking yesterday for a few minutes and she reminded me of this story then she pointed out the irony of the fact that the this is the first kid's party I have planned and it is a Ninja Turtles party. She's right. Isn't it ironic. Don't you think?... Life is funny some times.

Roller coaster keeps rolling

Over the last couple of weekends we have gotten to experience something that a part of me hoped we would never have to experience. Reunification and visits. I know some may say that a part of me wishing that such a thing would never happen is plain wrong because that is the purpose of foster care and I accepted this to be fact. However, it doesn't make it any easier. My emotions are pulled in so many different directions that I truly don't know how to feel. I have happiness and sadness all at the same time when I see little M's face light up when he sees grandad. I have happiness to see that same excitement and joy mirrored in grandad's face. However, at the same time I have sadness and extreme anxiety. Sadness because I know with each visit M is one step closer to leaving our home. I have anxiety because I don't know what will happen and I can't protect him from what may come. Don't get me wrong I know grandad is a good man. I know he will do a fine job raising M but I still worry. I don't care if he's not genetically mine but for the last 6 months I have grown to love him as if he was. I have grown to the point of being able to say "yes I have a son." Or "my son does that." All the while knowing that he really isn't my son at the moment. Right now he is a gift from God of a blessed toddler that I am allowed to love, to hold, to laugh with, to cry with, and to kiss the ouchies and make it all better. As I sit here and try to figure out exactly all the different thoughts and feelings I am having I cannot help but feel that it pails in comparison to what grandad has been feeling. I am anxious about 1 overnight visit and he's been living with that same anxiety for the last 9 months. I am frustrated because no one is talking to me and telling me what is going on or what to expect. However, grandad has had that same frustration but without the ability to tune all of that out and focus on raising a child to the best of his ability. I know this is not easy for anyone involved and as happy as I am to see the joy and excitement when they get to be together my heart brakes. My heart breaks when M lets go of my hand and runs to a man I have never met before. My heart breaks when he never glances back and then my heart breaks even more that the only tears he sheds are when he says bye to grandad. No tears were shed for him having to spend time without us. Well that's no true, mine were shed. Plenty of mine. 

Ok so what's the positive in all of this? There's a lot to be thankful for because prayers have been answered. From the moment M came into our home I have been praying for guidance. Not only guidance for myself but guidance for all involved. I have prayed for peace so everyone can stop and hear that small voice telling them what they should do. Today without a doubt that prayer has been answered. I know without a doubt M will be loved and cared for with grandad. I take comfort in that fact just as I take comfort in the words of thankfulness from grandad and his assurance that we can continue to be a part of his life. I know now that M was not meant to be our forever child and as much as it breaks my heart I know it is God's will and everything will be good. I also know that other prayers have been answered. I know his grandad has been praying for him and I know that in his prayers he had to be praying for his grandson to come back to him. I am thankful for that prayer being answered. God is an amazing God. He can heal the broken hearted and he can reunite the lost. For the last 9 months this man has been living a lost life not knowing what is going on with his grandson and soon they will be a family again. 

I recently heard someone say "compassion/empathy is a learn behavior" I feel that this saying holds many truth beyond those simple words. For every heart ache you go through God has a plan. At several points in our lives we can look back and see the little stepping stones in life that lead us to where we are, and we can understand what we gained from it all, and due to all of that we learn how to relate to other people. Although our paths in life are different we all have some things we can relate to. The ability to relate to another individual to try and picture what life is like through their eyes is not easy. Far too often we get stuck focusing on us but if we can take a step back and see the bigger picture amazing things happen. Empathy and compassion are the biggest skills needed to be able to truly place yourself in someone else's shoes. As you grow in your ability to embrace these traits amazing things happen. I am thankful for this roller coaster. I am thankful for this heart ache. I know because of all of this God is shaping and molding me to be more than I am today. Is it easy? No. Does it simply suck at times? Yes! But I know through this all God is allowing my broken heart to help, to touch, and to heal other broken hearts. 

Being a foster parent is not easy as you can gather by my ramblings. However, if you can get past yourself and allow yourself to experience the heart aches the rewards are beyond measure. I don't know if I can do this forever. I don't know if I'm meant to. I pray that one day God will lead us to our forever child but even if he doesn't I know that God will bless me with other children like M. Children that will always be in my heart even if they are not in my home or life. 

If you are interested in fostering or adopting and want to talk please let me know. I don't have all the answers but I will be honest with you answer any questions you may have. 

From Theory To Practice

When we first started our foster to adopt journey almost 2 years ago we were only looking to adopt. We initially had no intention of fostering. Well, through the classes we had to take to be licensed as a perspective home to adopt a child from foster care we learned more and more of the NEED. We learned more and more how the system is broken. We learned more and more about how there are some people, who have no business having kids in there home, are foster parents even though they might be doing more harm than the bio home ever did. Through it all we felt the call. The call to step forward and be a part of a solution. A part of the change. If there is to be any hope for children in care it has to start with the homes the children are in. If you have more people motivated by the right things that truly care for the kids then there's a greater chance of these foster kids ending up in the safe nurturing home. A home that will help them grow and heal. A home that gives the bio parents a chance to learn from whatever happened. A chance for the bio parents to grow. All the while allowing the child to be safe.

Inevitably as we told family and friends that we had decided to be foster parents we heard the same comment over and over again. This comment did not come from a place of malice or anywhere negative. The comment truly came from the individuals knee jerk response to the thought of bringing a kid into their home knowing, or at least suspecting, that the kid would not stay. At this point you might be asking yourself “What is the comment?”, or you might have figured it out already. The comment is 2 fold. 1 “it takes a special person to be a foster parent.” And 2 “I couldn't do it. I would get too attached.” If you have made this comment to me, or were nearby when someone did, I typically had the same replies each time. 1 “you never know what God has given you the ability to do until you try.” And 2 “the sad thing is that the kids need you to get attached. They need your love. They need that sense of security. They need every part of you if they are to grow from where they came from. If they are to heal from the physical and emotional scars that they may hold.” Of course when I make this comment I get responses that are similar to “how are you going to handle it when/if they leave?” To which I reply in the most honest way I can “I will be heart broken. I will sit on the couch and cry. But I know that is what they need and I choose to leave it all in God's hands. If a child that comes into our home is meant to be our 'forever kid' God will make that happen. If not then I take comfort in knowing that I am one small stepping stone on the path of their life”

So why the title of “from theory to practice” for this post? Well that is simple. I've had the theory of loving a kid and letting them go and now I am experiencing it. 6 months ago we had a precious 3 year old boy (M) come into our home. He initially came as a respite placement which means that we were pretty much just babysitting to allow his foster family a break. Well very shortly after he stepped into our home (I believe it was the day he came) the foster family said “that's it we are done. He cannot come back to our home” the reasons behind this are not clear and for the most part, after living this roller coaster I can understand the desire to have your life back and not live every moment questioning what is going on in CPS land. I don't blame them much at all. So, after a short while, long story short, we accepted M as our first “long term placement” knowing that his goal was to be returned to family. Our exact words to his caseworker were “he has a home with us. We plan on riding out his case to the very end. No matter what that end may hold.” As M's case progressed it began to look more and more likely that we would end up being able to adopt. In fact we received a phone call on New Year's Eve from his caseworker and she informed us that, although a home study had been completed to see if biological grandfather could get him, she anticipated it not working and, in that case, that we would be adopting by April. This completely caught us off guard since we believed, rightfully so, that his case would drag on for years, since that is not uncommon. Well a little over a week after that phone conversation we received a text message from the worker that simply stated that the home study had recommended moving M to be with grandad and that she anticipated the judge agreeing. She then said, assuming the judge agreed, that they would be moving him in roughly 2 weeks.

So yeah. Here we are. We have gone from the theory of welcoming a kid into our home. Loving that child as our own. Teaching him right from wrong. Dealing with some significant health issues. Managing some intense behaviors at times. Giving him a world full of experiences. Introducing him to our family and friends. Having our family grow to love him and so on and so on. All of that and a “thank you. You 2 have done wonders for him and we (CPS) can never thank you enough.” Needless to say all of this caught us off guard and to try and put all the different emotions into words is beyond difficult. I found myself talking with a friend the other day she inevitably said “I couldn't do it. You're a special person. I would get too attached” in response I said these words:

I know and they need that. Can you imagine if they didn't have anyone to attach to. No one to care. I know that he needs/needed it. It is just SOO drastically different to go from the theory of bringing a child into the home, loving them, teaching them right from wrong, potty training them, spending days on dealing with medical issues with them ect ect ect and then letting them go. In theory I know I am doing the right but hard thing but in practice it makes me feel used and trampled all over. Like I have wasted 6months of my life. But at the same time I know that is not true and I am thankful. I am thankful for every second I have had with him. Thankful for the times that he made me smile. Thankful for letting me hear his laugh when he called me “daddy” and then giggled because he knew I was “Mr. Matt”. Thankful for those time that he made me mad and pushed me to my limit. Thankful for helping me grow as I helped him grow. Thankful for teaching me what it truly means to love with all my heart without really expecting or receiving anything in return. I am happy. I am sad. I am mad. I feel lost. But at the same time I know that I would do every little thing over again. That I wouldn't trade it for the world. I also know that some day, hopefully soon, after a short break, I will do it again. I know there are other kids that need that love. That need that security. That need me to cry out from a broken heart because of them. I know that. I also know that I can do it. No mater how hard it is… Will any future kid take the place of M? No. And I wouldn't want them too. I will forever hold him in my heart whether I meet him again or not.

There you have it. That big jumbled mess of emotions, thoughts, and desires. If you can make sense of it all please explain it to me. Just know, as confusing as this all may sound to you. I will do it again and I encourage you to as well. Will it be a walk in the park? Will the road be nice and smooth with no bumps, twists, or turns? Will you have your heart broken? Will you want to scream and yell because you feel no one is listening, like you have no voice in your life or the life of the little one you have grown to love? Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes. However, what you will get back from it all is something that words cannot describe. Something you have to experience to understand. Call me a glutton for punishment but I am ready to get back in line for this roller coaster. I don't know the name of the next ride. I don't know how long the wait will be. I don't know how many loops it will have or when it will stop. However, I know that when that ride comes to a full and complete stop I will be laughing and crying and wanting to do it again.

Finally, enough about me. I have one prayer that I hope you all join me in. My prayer is that God will hold M close and help him learn and grow. Help him become the amazing man that he can be. That He will let the seed of love that we placed in him flourish as it is watered by the love he receives from his biological family. I pray that, even if he forgets who we are, that he carries that love with him from now until eternity. I pray that some day he too will have the chance to share that love and to know what love really is. In the words of a new favorite song of mine by Toby Mac, “this is what love is. Poured out. Used up. Stretching out to the end of my limits. This is harder than I thought it would be. This is what love is.” We love you M. God bless you and every life you touch just as you have touched ours.